Passover Planning

There is one meal I have always cooked: Passover Seder. Don’t ask me how or why I picked this most difficult of holidays to handle, often on my own. But I think I decided it was the only way I would ever get to be the host of the seder, and I just love hearing myself talk.

Somehow, this tradition has ballooned in recent years. Last year, I set a record with 20 people in my two-bedroom condo. This year, it will be a more managed 17 (one in a high-chair). Today, I sat down to make my shopping list and I realized something: I am insane.

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The Food Rules

Since I was a child, my family has had food rules. We all followed them (although our mother sometimes did not, but this hardly deterred us, as we simply thought she was weird). The rules, as I remember them:

1) We do not eat albino foods (turnips, you know who you are)

2) We do not eat day-glo foods (really, fried zucchini is not good)

3) We do not eat fungus (mushrooms=yuck)

4) We go not eat foods larger than our head. (Exception: watermelon, meats)

5) Food is not fun. (Do not play with it). The containers that food comes in are fun.

The containers rule was created specifically for raisin containers, which Dad used to turn into little toys, cars, whistles, etc. right at the lunch or dinner table. We thought this was hysterical.

So it seems somehow appropriate that my niece recently ran smack into these rules, which I believe she has never followed. There is a reason they exist, and she suffered for not following them. She is only 3-1/2 years old, too. Poor niece (collective awwww). Two weeks ago, my sister received the following call from my niece’s school:

Teacher: “It’s okay, your daughter is fine. But she might have a Craisin up her nose. We’re not sure, because one teacher saw her take it out, but your daughter insists it’s still up there. What would you like to do?”

Incidentally, Craisins are sweetened dried cranberries, which are very tasty, and much more tart than raisins. But they look like large, reddish/pinkish raisins.

My sister then called the pediatrician’s office, where the conversation went something like this:

Sister: “My daughter may or may not have a Craisin up her nose. Does this constitute an emergency?”

Office: “Bring her in right away.”

There was, indeed, a Craisin in my niece’s nose, and the doctor extracted it. The teacher had seen her pull one out. Do you know what that means? Oh yes, she put TWO Craisins up her nose. She talks a lot, but no one has been able to determine why she put the Craisins there.

By the way, my niece is just fine. Her Mom and Dad thought it was all very funny until the doctor’s bill came. But my sister reports that my niece has recently started saying she doesn’t like Craisins because they hurt her nose. She does not understand that this only happens when you put them up there. I expect more rule-breaking. Ouch ;)

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Sorry I disappeared

Dear readers (I hope there are a few of you) – I am sorry to have abandoned you. Due to a PDA-related tragedy, the last two weeks of blog posts have been irretrievably lost. I promise more posts about future cooking attempts.

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Fart Soup

What could happen is Fart Soup.

Quick Minestrone Soup

Friday night, continued: After a furious search of Food.com and Epicurious.com, I found a recipe that used all the veggies that were about to go bad. And no meat that wasn’t defrosted! Just beans. It was called “Quick Minestrone Soup.” Hubby makes a minestrone that I just love. How would mine compare?

A side note: I learned something new: if you plug a bunch of ingredients into either of those Web sites with “and” between them (as in zucchini and broccoli and pepper), it will return recipes that contain them.

So, I set out to tackle “Quick Minestrone Soup.” As I re-read the recipe and began preparing the ingredients, I realized it was a mistake. But it was too late to go back. Hubby was on his way home. He had promised to call me as he was leaving work, but instead he called me from down the street. Eeek!

Problem No. 1: The recipe called for frozen mixed vegetables. I planned to use fresh.

Good thing, later to become a bad thing: The recipe also let me use up some of the kale sitting in my refrigerator.

Problem No. 2: I had 32 ounces of chicken broth in a box. The recipe called for 42 ounces. I panicked first – there was no time to hit the store. But then I remembered – in the freezer, neatly labeled (What – you don’t use a label maker to label all of your leftovers?), was an indeterminate amount of leftover chicken broth from something I cannot remember. I dove into the freezer, distressingly filled with unlabeled leftovers (must talk to Hubby about that). I popped it into the microwave. However much it was, that’s how much I was going to use.

Who buys 19-oz. cans of beans?

Problem No. 3: This recipe called for a 19-oz. can of white beans. I have never seen a 19-oz. can of beans. Why do so many recipes call for a 19-oz. can of beans? Because I am telling you this: the only cans of beans I have ever bought were 15 ouncers. Well, I had only one can of white beans, and it was 15 ounces, and I used it.

Emboldened by the substitutions I had already made, I bravely brushed aside the recipe’s call for “petite” diced tomatoes and went with the regular ones which I had.

Next step was to cut the vegetables. Wow – there were a lot of them. I looked at the Cuisinart. I considered using it. It would be faster than doing it by hand, right? I thought about it, but I was too scared of it. I have never used it without Hubby’s supervision. It has very large blades and can get pretty wild. (I promise to write more about our kitchen tools in another post soon.) I picked up my large French Chef’s knife and went to work.

I never knew broccoli could be so wily. Little bits of it flew everywhere as I chopped. Repeatedly, random pieces jumped to the floor. I just through them away, wondering, “Does this mean I need to mop my floor now?” Whatever, by this time I was just a furious chopping maniac, blind to the fact that my recipe was way off track.

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Cooking With Wine

After a panic about using the about-to-be-bad vegetables, I searched the Web and found a recipe for Quick Minestrone Soup.

And then I remembered something else about to go bad: a delicious bottle of Vida Organica Malbec wine. So I poured myself a glass. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen when a bad chef starts cooking and drinking? …

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